Finding Myself

This past winter was especially tough for me. As some of you already know, I got sick and then also had to deal with a dangerous ear infection. Shortly thereafter, my seasonal depression took hold, and I slowly lost myself in it. For me, depression is a normal occurrence that I’ve learned to endure and occasionally overcome, but this went above and beyond anything I’ve felt in years. I knew I wasn’t okay, but it wasn’t until one night a couple of weeks ago when I woke up angry and resentful that I realized I wasn’t even myself anymore and that something had to change.

Resentment is an ugly emotion, and like most defense mechanisms, I believe it says a lot about the person experiencing it, or at least their state of mind. So I took a moment to reflect and ask myself what this resentment was really about. The answer ended up being pretty simple, but long overlooked– I realized that I had been feeling increasingly defeated and as though I had no control over the situation.

But that was absurd. This is my life– of course I have control. I am incredibly fortunate in all that I have and I’ve been ignoring that to feel defeated, when I hadn’t even really made my best effort to succeed yet.

So the next step was to start making some lists. I began with a list of things I’m interested in because I feel like I’ve lost track of those elements of my life. Don’t get me wrong now, I absolutely love making porn, but there’s more to me than that. And as if written just for me, a tweet came through my feed while I was working on my list, that seemed to shed light on, and almost perfectly explain what had happened to me. Check out this short Twitter thread by @YEVGEN1YA

One of the main reasons I joined the adult entertainment community was because I wanted to share myself with the world. To some, I will never be more than a quick nut– and that is absolutely okay by me, I love teasing and showing off my body and pleasuring myself on camera and having people lust over me. It makes me feel good, it raises my confidence, and it’s really, really fun. But to others it goes well beyond that. To others I am also a friend, a penpal, a confidant, or even just a smiling face on a less than perfect day. And those relationships are incredibly important to me.

For me, one of the most wonderful things about being a sex worker is that it gives me the opportunity to make a living just by being myself. I got my start in live camming and I absolutely loved it, but eventually had to give it up due to a bad internet connection– and quite frankly, I suspect this is when I started to lose track of myself.

I didn’t want to leave the industry, so I began exploring other options which is how I came across sites like Manyvids.

Manyvids was an absolute lifesaver. My content took off quickly, I learned and explored a ton of new things in adult entertainment, and over the years I’ve met some really, really cool people– but Manyvids was unable to provide me with the real-time interaction, conversation and spontaneity that I had and loved so much as a camgirl and just naturally craved as a person in the world. As a clip producer, I suddenly found myself feeling much more isolated from the world. I spent my days at home all alone, filming, editing, taking pictures, filling orders, promoting, waiting on uploads, stressing over deadlines, and doing all kinds of admin work– and striving for perfection in everything I created (’cause it’s gonna be on the internet forever, ya know!). I found myself doing these things religiously, day in and day out, instead of goofing off on cam, meeting, chatting with and having fun with people like I was used to. And my personality began to suffer. I became the “sex worker” that YEVGEN1YA warns of in her tweet– the sex worker who has become her job, forgone her personal needs, and lost track of her dreams.

So, for the sake of my sanity, general wellbeing and happiness, I’m making some changes to my life and to my work that I hope will help me to grow as a person, to find my place and my people in the world, and to cultivate meaningful relationships with those of you who would like to have them with me. I will still be making videos (don’t worry!) but I’ll be doing it at my leisure, at pace that is comfortable for me.

If you would like to get to know “the girl in the videos”, then stay tuned! Between blogging, camming, tweeting, taking pictures, and filming videos, I hope to share myself with all of you in a way that is healthier for and more meaningful to me. And hopefully, more meaningful to you as well, even if you’re just here to see me wiggle my butt!

xoxo, Ayla

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