This past winter was especially tough for me. As some of you already know, I got sick and then also had to deal with a dangerous ear infection. Shortly thereafter, my seasonal depression took hold, and I slowly lost myself in it. For me, depression is a normal occurrence that I’ve learned to endure and occasionally overcome, but this went above and beyond anything I’ve felt in years. I knew I wasn’t okay, but it wasn’t until one night a couple of weeks ago when I woke up angry and resentful that I realized I wasn’t even myself anymore and that something had to change.
Resentment is an ugly emotion, and like most defense mechanisms, I believe it says a lot about the person experiencing it, or at least their state of mind. So I took a moment to reflect and ask myself what this resentment was really about. The answer ended up being pretty simple, but long overlooked– I realized that I had been feeling increasingly defeated and as though I had no control over the situation.
But that was absurd. This is my life– of course I have control. I am incredibly fortunate in all that I have and I’ve been ignoring that to feel defeated, when I hadn’t even really made my best effort to succeed yet.
So the next step was to start making some lists. I began with a list of things I’m interested in because I feel like I’ve lost track of those elements of my life. Don’t get me wrong now, I absolutely love making porn, but there’s more to me than that. And as if written just for me, a tweet came through my feed while I was working on my list, that seemed to shed light on, and almost perfectly explain what had happened to me. Check out this short Twitter thread by @YEVGEN1YA
For me, one of the most wonderful things about being a sex worker is that it gives me the opportunity to make a living just by being myself. I got my start in live camming and I absolutely loved it, but eventually had to give it up due to a bad internet connection– and quite frankly, I suspect this is when I started to lose track of myself.
I didn’t want to leave the industry, so I began exploring other options which is how I came across sites like Manyvids.
Due to the inherent nature of sex work, many of us tend to become massive givers. We can forget about our own needs so easily.
Care about yourself as much as you care about your clients, your friends, and your family. Don’t abandon your dreams outside of this work.
— YEVGENIYA (@YEVGEN1YA) February 26, 2018
So, for the sake of my sanity, general wellbeing and happiness, I’m making some changes to my life and to my work that I hope will help me to grow as a person, to find my place and my people in the world, and to cultivate meaningful relationships with those of you who would like to have them with me. I will still be making videos (don’t worry!) but I’ll be doing it at my leisure, at pace that is comfortable for me.
If you would like to get to know “the girl in the videos”, then stay tuned! Between blogging, camming, tweeting, taking pictures, and filming videos, I hope to share myself with all of you in a way that is healthier for and more meaningful to me. And hopefully, more meaningful to you as well, even if you’re just here to see me wiggle my butt!