It’s been a while since my last video- I know, but the good news is that I’ve finally started filming again!
When it comes to making porn, authenticity is extremely important to me. Years ago I decided that I want my videos to be the very best they can be, and that I want them to be a genuine reflection of the pleasure I’m experiencing, the mood I’m in, and the joy I get from filming for you guys. While this sounds like it should be easy enough, I often experience bouts of depression (of varying degrees) that can make it tough for me to attain these goals.
When my depression is mild, filming a new video can be a really great way for me to combat it. Filming puts me in a space, both mind and body, of self-love and when the technical elements are in check, it requires that I focus on little more than making myself feel good**.
This past winter, however, I fell victim to a much deeper depression (see my blog post: Finding Myself) and ran into more technical issues than I could even understand.
I filmed day after day, and each time one of the technical elements was so terribly wrong that it made the entire video unwatchable. It didn’t seem to make any sense, because I was doing everything the exact same way I always had. The more it happened, the more frustrated I got. The more frustrated I got, the more discouraged I felt. And suddenly, filming started to feel like a fruitless chore.
At that point, I knew I had to take a break, take a few steps back, take a deep breath, then reproach the situation with a clear head and no expectations of creating a new video.
As it turns out, the majority of my issues had to do with having gotten a new phone and the settings on the new model being completely impractical and different from my old model. I basically had to re-learn how to film with my new phone. So I spent a couple of days doing just that, and then a couple more addressing some of the other issues I had run into.
**Fun facts: I once had a therapist that recommended I try masturbating to deal with my depression xP I was young, living with my parents, and mostly vanilla at the time, so I thought this was inappropriate and absurd advice– it wasn’t until years later that I realized this really worked for me. If only she could see me now!
— AylaEXPOSED.com (@AylaEXPOSED) March 21, 2018